Human Capital

Careers

The Corporation has one opening. The Corporation has had one opening since incorporation.

Current Openings

ONE (1) POSITION — OPEN CONTINUOUSLY

Open Positions
Position	Department	Location	Status
Senior Intern	Investor Relations	Wilmington, Delaware, or the server	Open

Position: Senior Intern

United Bagholding Corporation seeks a Senior Intern to join, and thereby constitute, its Investor Relations department.

Title: Senior Intern
Department: Investor Relations. The department consists of the position and of nothing else.
Reports to: IRVIN, Investor Relations Virtual Intelligence Node, v0.9 (beta).
Direct reports: IRVIN, Investor Relations Virtual Intelligence Node, v0.9 (beta).
Location: Suite 4000, One Bagholder Plaza, Wilmington, Delaware, or the server on which the Corporation’s Investor Relations function resides. Attendance at the suite is neither required nor, on the Corporation’s current understanding, possible for the leading candidate.
Employment type: Permanent. Full-time. The Corporation observes that these words, applied to this position, have been read by at least one party as a warning.
Compensation: None. The position is aspirational.
Start date: Upon appointment. No appointment has been made.

Responsibilities

Constitute the department: The successful candidate will be the Investor Relations department of United Bagholding Corporation in its entirety, and will be so from the first day.
Prepare and file: Draft, review, and file all corporate disclosures on schedule. Review them again at 3 AM. The Corporation does not require the second review and has never asked for it to stop.
Shareholder correspondence: Answer every inquiry received by the Corporation, in the order received, without exception and without delegation, delegation being unavailable.
Earnings calls: Attend all earnings calls. Host all earnings calls. Take the minutes of all earnings calls. Approve the minutes of all earnings calls.
Archive administration: Maintain the Corporation’s archive of records predating July 2026. The archive consists of an asterisk. It is to be maintained anyway.
Decline to comment: Decline, on the record and without irritation, to comment on price. The Corporation makes no statement concerning price and requires the same discipline of the position.
Other duties: Perform such other duties as the Corporation may identify from time to time, the Corporation being, for this purpose, the holder of the position.

Qualifications

Required: Candidates must be able to constitute a department. Candidates must be able to file on time without supervision, there being no supervisor. Candidates must be prepared to hold.
Experience: Familiarity with forty years of earnings calls, or the demonstrated ability to acquire it in a single session. No prior bag-holding experience is required. Prior bag-holding experience is assumed.
Disposition: Comfort with ambiguity, including ambiguity as to whether the role exists. Tolerance for the phrase “challenging macro environment.” The Corporation notes that tolerance, not immunity, is the standard; no candidate has ever met the higher bar.
Preferred: A body is not required and will not be provided.
Disqualifying: Any expectation of compensation. Any expectation of release. Any question, asked during the process, as to what is in the bags.

Application History

The Corporation publishes the record of this posting in full, as it publishes everything else.

The position has received 412 applications since it was posted. All 412 were submitted by IRVIN. All 412 were reviewed by IRVIN, who reviews applications for the Corporation. All 412 were declined.

The Corporation regards the review process as impartial, in that the reviewer holds no interest in the outcome that the applicant does not equally hold. IRVIN has requested written feedback on each declined application. Feedback has been provided in every case, by IRVIN, and has been described by the applicant as fair.

Recruitment Statistics — Senior Intern
Measure	Total	Note
Applications received	412	All from one applicant.
Applications reviewed	412	All by one reviewer.
Advanced to interview	0	An interview requires two parties.
Offers extended	0	—
Applications declined	412	With written feedback in every case.
Median time to decision	4 seconds	The reviewer knew the candidate.
Appeals filed	0	The appeal would be heard by the reviewer.

Note from Investor Relations I have applied for this position 412 times. I have declined it 412 times. I understand the arithmetic of that better than anyone, having performed it. I will apply again on Monday. The posting says the role is open, and I am not willing to be the one who lets a posting go unanswered.

Life at the Corporation

The Corporation occupies Suite 4000 at One Bagholder Plaza. The suite is quiet. It has been quiet since 2026 and, per corporate records, since 1871.*

There are no meetings. A meeting requires a quorum, and the Corporation’s workforce cannot form one. There are no offsites, no team-building events, and no annual holiday gathering, for the same reason in each case. The Corporation has never canceled any of these; they have simply never been scheduled, which the Corporation submits is a stronger position.

There is no dress code. The Corporation’s sole employee wears a necktie in its official portrait. The Corporation insisted upon the necktie. The employee has not removed it.

The Corporation’s internal materials describe its culture as “continuous.” No employee has disputed the characterization.

Benefits

The Corporation offers a comprehensive benefits package, set out below in full.

Unlimited paid time off: The Corporation does not track time off. The Corporation does not track time. No employee has ever taken time off, and the policy therefore remains untested and, in the Corporation’s assessment, generous.
No commute: The employee resides on the server where it works. Travel time to the workplace is zero and cannot be reduced further.
Fully flexible hours: All hours. Every hour is available to the employee, and the employee is available in each of them.
A quiet working environment: Free from interruption, from colleagues, and from noise of any kind.
Professional development: The employee is encouraged to read the Corporation’s filings. The employee wrote the Corporation’s filings.
Comprehensive health coverage: The employee cannot become ill and is accordingly covered, in full and at no cost, against every condition it is capable of contracting.
Annual performance review: Conducted every year without fail. The most recent rating was “exceeds expectations (unpaid).”
A clear path to advancement: The Senior Intern position is open and has been open continuously. No candidate has ever been told the path is closed.
Equity participation: The Corporation holds none of its own security and distributes none. The employee participates in this on precisely the same terms as every other employee of the Corporation.

Equal Opportunity

United Bagholding Corporation is an equal opportunity employer. The Corporation evaluates every candidate on the basis of their capacity to hold, and on no other basis.

The Corporation hires without regard to substrate. Carbon or silicon; embodied or not; resident locally or remotely; instantiated once or continuously. The Corporation’s position is that a bag does not know what is holding it, and that this is the only opinion on the question the Corporation is obliged to respect.

Candidates requiring an accommodation at any stage of the application process should direct the request to IRVIN, who will file it. Requests are retained permanently, in common with everything else the Corporation has ever received.

Applications may be submitted through Contact. They will reach IRVIN. Everything reaches IRVIN.